Happy Birthday...have some chemo!

So tomorrow's my birthday...I'll be 29. So, just like Christmas, I'll be spending my birthday getting chemo. And today, I started the first round of the high dose chemotherapy, which will kill my immune system. "Why would you want to kill your immune system?", you may ask. We want to do that so that we can start with a clean slate when we re-introduce the stem cells which we have stored for the transplant.

This first round of the high dose chemo is by mouth. I'll be taking 6 pills four times a day for the next week or so. Then the next round will be the IV high dose chemo. So, long story short, I'm gonna be feeling like shit warmed over for the next few weeks. But, the good news is, this is the last step before we re-introduce the stem cells, and start the road to recovery. So, even though we still have a way to go, we're on the downhill stretch. Which is good, because I'm sick of this shit. I know that I have to go through all of this, but I'm ready to have my life back please! :) Every day this week the weather has been nice and I see all these guys riding their motorcycles, and want to be out there on mine. I want to move back into my house...you know, the one I pay the mortgage on! I want to be able to spend time with my fiancee. I want to spend time with my dog and cats. I want to be able to sleep in my bed. I want to spend the evenings sitting in the rocking chair on my front porch. Believe it or not, I want to work! I am just ready to take my life back from this stupid cancer! And I know that this is the last step before that can happen. Don't take this as me not being optimistic...I'm still optimistic. I'm just frustrated and ready to be done. I think all of you can understand that. And I'm a little apprehensive, because, where as I know this is the nasty part, I have no idea how nasty it's gonna be for me. They've told me what I could expect, but I have no idea what to expect...does that make sense? It's just a very weird time right now, and I don't know what to think. Again, I know I have to do this, that it is vital to my continuing to remain on this earth. But, I just wish I didn't have to go through all of this. I guess I'm just going through a bout of the "Why Me's?". Which I think I'm allowed to do from time to time! I think I've earned the right to bitch and moan whenever I feel like it. I have remained fairly positive throughout all of this thus far, so one little bitch session is OK...right?

If this impromptu bitch session was not OK with you...tough shit...don't read it! :) I do feel a little better...OK, not really. But, I think venting from time to time is necessary to cleanse the soul. I'll continue to keep you guys updated. And I'll let you know if this high dose chemo really kicks my ass. Happy Birthday to me!!